Dear Ralph: The Diary of Seth Clearwater
by Lady Katsa
Summary: A look into Seth's diary. Wolf pack, Cullens and a whole lot of Seth! What more could you want? Laughs guaranteed.
1. I was laughing too loud in La Push

30 November

Dear Man Journal,

I have finally come up with a name for you! Prepare yourself... Ralph!

Okay so maybe Quil thought of it but still. Anyway...

Dear Ralph,

So my day started pretty normal. Which means it sucked. I woke up to the nice sound that is... Leah screaming at me.

"Seth! Lazy ass, get up! SETH!" and it didn't end there. Oh no, she wouldn't just let me pull my pillow over my head. Instead, she decided to batter my door down, not that it makes a difference considering that no-one ever knocked, and shredded my covers, and pillow, just to get me out of bed. And do you know what she said?

"I told you not to use my razor!"

And then she stormed out, leaving my room like a freaking bomb site.

Thanks a lot sis.

And who even gives a shit that I may, or may not, have used her razor to shave a tiny bit of stubble?

And there may not have even been any stubble.

Stupid wolf genes. Stupid never growing up. Stupid razor.

So, all in all, Leah is a bitch. In all ways possible.

And now that my room was in ruins I wasn't exactly going back to sleep. And no way in hell did I plan on cleaning up. So I did what all people would have done in my position.

I phased into a massive ball of fur and jumped out the window.

Yeah, I know, I'm awesome.

And there were no voices in my head -except for Stew and Davey, but they're always there- which was no surprise since it was unbelievably early.

Stupid people who get to sleep in longer than me.

So it was just me, Stew and Davey.

Which is extremely lonely. And boring.

I decided to take a run over to the Cullen's place since they never slept.

"Hey Rose," I said when I got in.

"Seth, I have just learned to put up with dog smell, I'm not prepared for wet dog."

Needless to say, I stopped shaking the rain out of my hair.

"Seth!"

And that is why I love Alice. She is always so cheery, makes me feel welcome.

"Don't tell Jasper that."

"Hi Edward."

"Tell Jasper what?"

"Hi Jasper."

"That Seth loves Alice."

"Thanks Edward." Hint the sarcasm.

"Oh Seth you're so sweet!" Alice squealed.

And then I suddenly felt really emotional. And I wanted to cry. And a little tear may have slipped out.

"Oh, is wittle Sethy crying?" Jasper said in a really babyish voice.

Twat.

"Now, now Seth," Edward smirked.

Ass.

"You've got quite a temper," Edward was full out grinning now.

Watch out, that rock of a face might crack.

"I hate you guys!" I shrieked. Yes, shrieked. Like a hormonal teenage girl. "You especially!" I glared at Jasper and then stormed out as they all killed themselves laughing.

So, when I finally got back to La Push, I headed right on up to Quil's house. And guess who answered the door? Embry. Well who else would you expect to answer the door at _Quil's _house?

"Hey Embry. Have you moved in yet?"

"Very funny Seth. I stay in my house."

I raised an eyebrow.

"Occasionally."

"That's better." And then I walked in because if you wait to be invited inside you would be standing in the rain for a month.

And there Quil was, asleep on the couch.

"Did you steal his bed?" I asked Embry.

"No. I won the bet."

"Nice."

"Yeah."

And that was the genius that was, a conversation with Embry.

"Hey Quil, get up!" And I may have kicked him. Just a little bit.

Hey, in my defence, I didn't get the nicest wake up call this morning either.

"Go away Ralph!" Quil mumbled and then turned over in his sleep.

Ralph! What an awesome name!

"Who the hell is Ralph?" Embry asked.

Who the hell cares? You, man journal, have a name!

"I dunno." I shrugged.

And thus the name Ralph.

~*~

1 December

Dear Ralph,

Today was even crappier than yesterday.

Yes I know what you're thinking.

How can that even be possible? Well it is.

And you're lucky I can even write here. It is taking all my strength.

I have been through the wars today.

So I woke up and looked to my door. Which wasn't there. Do you know what was there?

Jake.

With the creepiest grin I have ever had the privilege to see spread across his face.

And I may have shrieked.

"Jake! What the hell are you doing?"

"You look cute when you sleep."

"I believe you're confusing me with Nessie. Now tell me the reason you are standing at my door, watching me sleep. And do I need to call the cops?"

"Shut up Seth!" Leah shouted. "I paid him."

And that is the sad life that my sister leads. Spending her money on getting some creep to watch me sleep.

It is unreal.

So anyway, I got up and grabbed a pair of cut-offs and a shirt that were, ever so elegantly, lying in a heap on my desk. Then I went into the bathroom to get changed since my room was lacking privacy of any sort.

"Hey Seth," Jake said as I went into the living room where Jake and Leah were fighting over the remote and eating an entire months worth of food. Nothing out of the ordinary.

"Hey Jake."

"What about me?" Leah, of course, had to-

_I just adore my sister Leah!! She is the absolute best person to ever walk this Earth. I should bow down at her feet considering I am just a big, girly, shit-face and I-_

Oh my God! Do you see what happens when I leave to go to the bathroom? Someone has to go into my completely communal bedroom and start writing in my diary. Leah!!

So as I was saying Leah was getting the attention on her so I said, "Leah, go die."

"Love you too, Sethy-poo!" Leah cooed. It just so happened to rhyme.

Yeah, like she hadn't been planning that for three days and then on the fourth day practising saying it and now, on the fifth day, she had finally got it off her chest.

"So Jake what are you doing here, well that is, other than eating my food?" You see? I have wit and humour. Not to mention my dashing good looks.

"Oh yeah, I came round to tell you that Brady called a pack meeting at sunset," Jacob said in his best James Bond voice.

"Sweet."

Whenever Brady calls a pack meeting fun is guaranteed.

Oh, how he reminds me of when I was younger. He's fifteen. Those were the days when I couldn't phase into the coolest thing ever. But who cares about that when I'm eighteen? Well, in a few months. But still! Okay back to Brady, he is like unbelievably fun. He comes up with the most random plans that some of the older, more mature (boring) wolves turn down. I never have, never will, turn down one of Brady's plans.

"I'm in."

Jeez, why did Leah have to ruin everything?

I'm nearly eighteen and she still hovers about everywhere like my babysitter.

"Seth, get off your high-horse. I'm in the pack so I'm invited. I couldn't care less what you do."

And that is why I love my sister.

"Okay, see you guys later."

And here I am. In my room, writing in my trusty guy journal. Ralph. Well, I'll write later. See ya.

Ltaer

Heggo Raphl!!

Thdt wds akainf ad ejddqaagf ed!!! Sie gere-

~*~

2 December

I think I am going to die.

My head hurts that much.

But I will write through the pain. So, Ralph, here is what happened yesterday.

At sunset we all met at Brady's house – his parents were out obviously.

Everyone that had any sense of humour was there. Obviously, Sam was ruled out. Kim wouldn't let Jared come after Brady's last 'meeting'.

But other than that everyone was there.

Embry was in his usual spot on the couch placing bets. Leah was smirking in the armchair, making Paul think she was teasing him. Quil and Jake were most likely discussing barbies and other little girl crap. Brady was upstairs doing God-knows-what and Collin and I were having a very mature discussion.

"So the egg came first."

"Nu-uh it was the chicken!"

"Egg."

"Chicken."

"Egg!"

"Chicken!"

"Who cares?" Leah shouted.

Collin and I gave her a 'look'.

"So Collin, got any idea what Brady's planning?"

"Hell yeah."

Life's unfair. Why did I never know these things?

"What?" Collin asked. "You honestly think Brady comes up with this stuff himself?"

True. Brady bet me in the brains (or lack of) department. And that was saying something. So, being Collin's best friend was a good idea for Brady. Since Collin's a total bookworm and knows lots of random facts. And Brady's job in the friendship, you ask? Get the hot chicks.

And they're scarce when you look like a lanky thirteen year old.

"And before you ask-" Collin said. "I'm not telling."

How the hell does he read my mind when we're not in wolf form?

"You're easy to read, Seth," Leah said.

Which made me think, HOW DO THEY KNOW THIS?

"We just do," Embry smirked.

The aliens are invading! The aliens are invading!!!

I controlled myself, though. I didn't scream once. Correction, I didn't scream once _after_ Jake said, "Seth we spend a big amount of time in your head. We know how you think."

And then we heard a bang. And I seriously expected some aliens to appear.

But it was just Brady.

And he's unbelievably uncoordinated for a wolf. Especially, when he has a tray of glasses in his hands.

"What is that? Do I even want to know?"Leah asked. She's such a wet blanket.

"This, my friends, is scientific genius," Brady grinned.

"Explain."

"Well," Brady started, "I couldn't help but muse over this whole not-being-able-to-get-drunk thing. There had to be some way!" Brady headed into the kitchen and we all followed eagerly. "So, one day, I decided to pay attention in class."

There was an audible gasp.

"Yes I know, shocking, isn't it?" Brady began setting the glasses out along the table. "And that day I learnt that if you done something, I wasn't paying enough attention to know what, to loads of bottles of soda you could get about eight litres into this tiny little amount," Brady made a space of about two inches in-between his fingers.

"And luckily, I pay attention in class," Collin said. "You see, you have to-"

"BOO!!" We all shouted.

Collin rolled his eyes. "Fine then."

"We don't care about the experiment," Embry stated.

"Yeah, we want to know what this is all about!" I finished.

Brady grinned devilishly. "I may have found a way to get drunk."

Everyone except Leah cheered.

"Oh my God, this is the biggest waste of time ever," Leah complained and turned for the door. "Don't wake me up when you get in!" She added to me before leaving.

I shrugged. "So make with the drinks!"

"Calm down Seth." Collin revealed a glass full of yellow liquid.

"Is that pee?"

Embry's just so elegant isn't he?

"No it's beer. Lot's of it," Brady separated the beer between three different glasses. "There's only enough for three people, who's it gonna be?"

I wasted no time in snatching a glass. Embry and Brady had the others.

"Is it safe?" Quil asked.

"Probably."

That's reassuring. Not.

"Cheers!" Brady clinked his glass to all of ours before downing it. I followed suit and before long all of the glasses were empty.

"Well?" Collin's eyes were wide. "How do you feel?"

"Normal," I moaned.

"Brady?"

"As normal as I can be."

"Not very then. Embry?"

"Nothing. You're a failure Brady!" Embry slapped his shoulder and smirked at Brady's crestfallen look.

"Let's go watch TV," Jake said as he trudged back in to the living room.

"I've got to go," Quil said. "I'm taking Claire out tomorrow."

We all laughed at him.

"Big date at the kiddie pool?" I teased.

"Don't forget to take your blankie!" Brady threw a pillow at Quil which was quickly batted back.

Quil smiled wryly. "Haha, guys. Hilarious. You're just jealous that I imprinted and you losers didn't."

"Later Quil."

"See ya Embry."

And that was that. We all sprawled out on the floor and chairs and settled in to watch some crappy game show.

Five minutes later I said, "I need a whizz." As I was heading up the stairs to the toilet I started to feel really dizzy. I was spinning. And then I was falling. I crashed into the wall at the bottom of the stairs.

"Seth? You okay?" Jake towered over me.

"Yeah, I'm f-f-fine!" I spluttered in between laughing.

"What's so funny?"

How could he not see this? His hair was sticking up all over the place. It was freaking hilarious.

"Guys!" Jake shouted. "Did someone drug him?"

And then realization dawned on poor Jakey.

I was drunk. But, of course, I didn't realize that at the time. I was having too much fun laughing at Jake's crap hair.

"Jake! Little help in here!" Collin shouted from the living room.

Jake frowned and then hoisted me upright. "Come on."

And I swear I almost pissed once I got in the living room. Brady was draped over Collin, trying to kiss him.

"Get off me!" Collin shoved Brady and he rolled on to the floor.

"Hey, Sethy-boy! Give me a biiiiiiig kiss!" Brady slurred.

Embry walked in from the kitchen with a dopey smile spread across his face. "I dropped the food!"

"Embry you idiot! Brady's mom is gonna freak!" Jake, who had been keeping me upright, stormed of to the kitchen leaving me to stumble, break a vase, and then fall.

"That's it guys!" Collin shouted. "Brady you are gonna be dead!" Collin slapped Brady's head before shoving him to the front door. "Out! You too Seth!"

I crawled my way to the front door, still in hysterics with Embry on my tail – not literally.

Paul was still lying in the armchair laughing so hard I thought he was going to choke to death.

Collin slammed the door, leaving the three of us, in a heap, on the porch.

"Watcha wanna doooo then?" Brady somehow, miraculously, managed to stand up and started stumbling down the path.

"Let's go for a walk!" Embry cheered and started skipping down the path. My head was spinning but I decided to throw caution to the wind and follow Embry on his skipping escapade.

Soon the three of us were skipping along the roads of La Push like three little girls having the time of our lives.

After skipping for ten minutes our spirits were lagging and we were getting tired. Brady's feet were dragging along and my arms lacked any bounce. Embry, however, was still going strong and skipping higher than ever. Until his foot caught and he crashed to the ground.

"Are you ooooookay?" I slurred.

Embry waggled a finger, ushering me and Brady closer. Once we were all huddled together Embry whispered, extremely loudly, "I fell in dog shit!"

And then we were all rolling on the ground, laughing like hyenas.

"Seth w-w-was that you?" Brady snorted.

And that's funny right? Dog shit? 'Cause I'm a dog? Yeah not so much but at the time I thought it was freaking hilarious.

And do you know what I thought was even more piss-your-pants freaking hilarious? When police sirens were blaring and a cop car pulled up next to us.

"I need you boys to get in the car," the cop said as he started pulling Brady up off the ground and shoving him into the back seat. Another car pulled up at the curb and who stepped out? Charlie. Charlie freaking Swan.

"Seth?" Charlie pulled me up and helped me into the car. "I'm not finished with you," Charlie said as he slammed the door and went to speak to the other cop. After that he got in the drivers seat and pulled out onto the road.

"Seth you are too young to be drinking! And your mother is not going to be pleased!" Charlie scolded. "You're lucky I'm not taking you down to the station!"

"'S'alright, calm down!" I slurred as my head lolled. "I didn't do nothing."

And then I passed out.

So here I am, with the world's biggest hangover. My head throbbing, the whole shebang. And on top of that I'm grounded. Yeah my mom went absolutely mental at me. She says I'm lucky I wasn't arrested or something like that. I mean, calm down!

All this because I was laughing too loud in La Push.

***

A/N: Okay guys, that was my first try at something like this so if you liked it review, if you hated it review and if you want more review. Right now it's a one-shot though...

REVIEW!


	2. Sex and Old Quil's Walking Stick

**Dear Ralph: The Diary of Seth Clearwater**

**Lady Katsa**

**A/N: Has it been a year? No way! Haha, yes I know, anyone who read the first chapter of this that I posted a year ago today must have long forgotten it! But, for whoever else is still reading, I bring you Chapter 2: Sex and Old Quil's Walking Stick. It's a little longer than the last chapter, and hell, we may even have some form of a plot developing! I'm hoping everyone will like it, and if not, tell me why! About reviews... I just want to thank everyone so much for all the reviews you left on the first chapter. I try to reply to everyone who leaves a review because I'm really grateful for reviews, I love to hear feedback; it's really touching when someone takes the time to read your work, never mind comment on it! Thank you! **

**Dedications: This chapter goes to every person who reviewed the first chapter. Without you guys this chapter would never have seen light! But especially, for my twin, Star-Cross'd. Lovers. She listens to everyone one of my tangents and I like to think the random stories I tell her daily count towards my 'write something every day' quota. That is what I like to think.**

X~X~X

3 December

Last time I wrote I thought I was going to die. This time I think I am going to kill myself.

I have been grounded for not even a proper day and I can already feel my nerves fraying. This is what happens to people who are cooped up for too long. They start to get paranoid.

For instance, I could have sworn someone was hovering outside my bedroom this morning but as soon as I poked my head out the hole that is my door, no-one was there.

And that has happened three times over the course of the day so far. I am already losing my mind.

How long is it I'm grounded for?

One month. One, long as frick, month.

And it just so happens to be the best month of the year. December. Christmas parties. New Year parties. Mistletoe. Parties for the crack.

Oh and speaking of kissing under the mistletoe I am beginning to think I will never imprint. It has been almost two years and I still haven't imprinted. Brady and Collin are immature and inexperienced; I understand why they haven't imprinted. And we are suspecting Embry is on the turn these days. Claire has some competition. Embry denies everything. But what else would you expect? He probably gets his daily thrill from watching us get changed when we're phasing. And Leah thought she had to hide behind the trees...

I, on the other hand, am a perfect candidate for imprinting. But does fate care? Nooooooo. Damn you fate! Damn you to hell and back! But, then again, fate could be doing something nice. I mean what if I imprint on a girl uglier than a monkey's ass? What will I do then? I will be in love with her forever and it wouldn't matter to me, but what would people think? Seth and ass-face against the world. No I shan't have it. I will not be referred to as Mr. Ass-face for the rest of my life. Oh the horror-

Oh my God I swear Leah is outside my room again. But I just checked and she isn't! I keep seeing a shadow move out the corner of my eye.

See what I mean?

Crazy. Soon they will be coming for me with the 'pretty' jackets and 'soft' walls. I won't let them have me!

Never!

Later

Okay maybe it wasn't being trapped in the house that was the problem. I think I was deprived of food. Starved in my own house. Someone should write a book about me. It could be called Living in Hunger: The Tale of a Deprived Man. Yeah, I have a feeling that would sell millions.

Day One of Starvation: My despicable mother left for work before I woke up this morning. Or was she even in last night? She could have hitched a ride back to Charlie's house after she grounded me... Oh it burns!

Never. Never._ Never_. Think about Mom spending the night at Charlie's. Anyway, the inconsiderate bitch did not think to leave me some bacon and eggs cooking, or even a tiny bowl of cereal when she left for work – I am keeping my fingers crossed that that is where she is. Now that is an atrocity.

Leah, who I would usually ask for kitchen directions, was out – since when did she have a better social life than me? The cupboards and fridge were completely empty. I resorted to desperate measures.

"Mrs Cullen?"

"Seth, for the millionth time, call me Esme!"

"Okay, Esme, I was wondering if maybe you could send me over some of your delicious food. You see, I'm literally starving here."

"You're starving? What's happened?"

"My mom left for work. Leah's out. I'm grounded."

"And there's no food in your kitchen?"

Esme sounded shocked. Two shape-shifters lived here. What did she expect?

"Nothing. Everything is gone."

"Seth, you poor thing! Of course I'll make you something! Jacob will be over in about half an hour with a proper meal for you!" Esme gushed before presumably dropping the phone.

Don't you just love having two moms? One that pays for crap and cleans the house. One that cooks for you. My life is awesome!

Well unless having two moms is a way of making up for having no dads. And if so that's a pretty crap joke. Screw you God! Screw you!

"Seth?"

"Esme?"

"No twat, it's me!"

"Hello nice to meet you, me. How are you, me?" I said sarcastically. "Care to elaborate?"

"Seth, how could you not recognize my voice! I'm your gaming buddy!"

"Hey, Emmett."

"There we go."

"Now is there a reason you're talking to me? Or are you just trying to up my phone bill?"

"Seth, I was hoping we could have a nice little chat but apparently not!" I could just see Emmett pouting. He really was a big kid.

"Emmett?"

"What?" He huffed.

"I'm sorry."

"Okay," He sniffled. "You're forgiven."

"Now wha-"

"So Sethy, what's the goss' on the Rez?"

I expected this from Alice. But when did Emmett become a gossip hoard?

"Emmett since when did you care about gossip?"

"Oh pishaw! I'm just _dying _to know what's going on in La Push! Who's been dating, who's been having an affair, who's been sexing up who."

And there was the hidden motive. Sex.

Gossip in La Push could have been Old Quil's walking stick snapping but Emmett managed to turn that to sex.

"Emmett, you know how you don't have a special power?"

"Other than my super strength and awesome looks, yes."

"Well I think you do. You can turn an innocent conversation about walking sticks to sex."

"Thank you Seth, it is about time someone noticed my superior power."

And then he hung up.

And I was left pondering Emmett's awesome power until Jake walked in.

Yes, walked. No knocking or shouting 'Hey I'm here'. No, he just sneaked up behind me like a creeping Jesus and whispers, "Boo."

And I nearly shat myself. But I quickly regained composure enough to say.

"Knock once in a while, would you!"

Yes, that crap is what I said. And I stuttered.

"The door was open."

As if that was an excuse. The door was always open. Every person in La Push knew that.

An axe-murderer could have walked in at night, sat on the couch, played a little Xbox – cheeky bastard - before coming and stabbing us all and we would be none the wiser. Not to mention the fact that it was a burglar's haven. But I didn't have a key. Leah didn't have a key. I hardly think Mom had a bloody key. Some axe-murderer probably had the key.

"Anyway here's your food," Jake said and shoved a platter of delicious smelling food at me.

"What's got your knickers in a twist?"

"Knickers?" Jake raised an eyebrow. "I'm annoyed because you brought me away from Nessie for no good reason."

"No good reason? I beg to differ! I was starving!"

"Seth, look outside."

So I stormed up to the window and pulled open the curtain and do you know what I saw?

Leah sitting at the foot of the garden with the entire kitchen's contents spread around her. And she was pissing herself laughing.

"Bloody imbecile."

"Later, Seth."

"See ya."

And that was that. Jake was annoyed. Leah was a twat. But at least I was well fed. Esme can cook a mean steak.

So, all in all, today was the most boring day of my life. I shall write tomorrow.

Bye Ralph!

4 December

Ralphy!

We have become acquaintances now, have we not? Yes, so you deserve a nickname, Ralphy. Do you want to hear my other nicknames?

Jake – The Babysitter (never forget the The, it has the same effect as The Hulk)

Quil – Puppy (Claire. Need I say more?)

Embry – Homo-dog (Instead of home-dog? Get it? 'Cause he's gay! Oh I crack myself up)

Leah – Twat with a Hat (She's a twat. I just need to get her a hat)

And that is all I have so far.

It is five o'clock and that is how I spent my day, coming up with four nicknames. Productive right? No. I shall go complain to mother dearest. But first, I shall sleep.

4 December

Well that was helpful. Not. Seth, what have you gotten yourself into?

So I went downstairs. Mom was on the couch all snuggled up to Swan like a swooning... thing. And he wasn't even paying attention! He was watching football! She could have done a lap-dance in front-

No, Seth. Why is it that you always think about your mother inappropriately? Oh, yeah, because I have a twisted mind. Anyway Mom could have... proposed to him and he wouldn't have noticed, he was so focused on the TV.

So I saw no problem in settling on the armchair and having an adult conversation with my Mom.

"Mommy," Insert puppy-dog eyes, "could you un-ground me. Pwetty pwease?"

"No, Seth."

"But Mom! I'm dying of boredom!"

"Well that will teach you not to get brought home by the police!"

"It was in the name of science!"

"Enough!" Mom was so controlling. "I'll make a deal with you. You won't be grounded-"

"Mom, I love you!"

"Not so fast! You won't be grounded if you get a job by the end of this week. Since you've already dropped out of school and college isn't free, you need to pay for it which means you need a job."

"I liked that sentence better without the if's."

"No but's!" Mom snapped.

"There wasn't any but's in the sentence!"

"Seth, you're talking shite now."

Elegantly put, Mom. Shite. No wonder Charlie loves you.

"Fine!" I huffed and started to storm off.

"And you're still grounded tomorrow!"

Why? A whole extra day of grounding. What whoop-de-doo fun.

5 December

I am a bloody genius. I have just come up with a nickname for our dearest buddy Edward. Brace yourselves...

Stupid Privacy Invader – shortened to S.P.I. Which also, when you think about it, sounds like spy. And Edward spies on your mind. It is an all round winner. Now what am I doing here? Nothing. I feel cut off from humanity. Mom thought it was a good idea not to let anyone visit me today so I have been rejected from society. None of my wolf buddies have even tried to get by Mom. And Leah has been out since her morning patrol. No news for Sethy.

All by myself. Don't wanna be, all by myself, anymore...

6 December

I woke up at the crack of ten this morning and jumped out of bed. The grounding was over and I was going to enjoy today for all it was worth. I sprinted over to Quil's house and attempted to walk in. Apparently, he locks his door.

"Quil!"

Quil –gasp- opened the door. "What?"

"Is Embry dead?"

"Seth, shut up and come in. Embry is out with Cameron."

Embry has finally came to his homosexual senses and found a boyfriend.

"Who's Cameron?"

"His_ cousin_." Quil had obviously noticed the glimmer in my eyes. "His _female _cousin."

Damn it. I don't phase for one day and I miss all the excitement. "I miss _everything_!"

"Seth, why don't you grow a pair?"

"Quil has anyone ever told you what great company you are in the morning?"

Quil grinned wryly. "It has been mentioned once or twice."

"Do you get any sleep? You never do night patrols so what do you do at night? Wait a minute... you sit guard Claire's house all night don't you?" I was joking but the blush that appeared on Quil's face. Priceless. "Oh, Quil, tell me you don't."

"What's it to you?" He mumbled and turned away. Hehe. I would have to insult the piss out of him. But that wasn't the time.

"So tell me about Cameron?"

"Why? You interested?"

"Yes, Quil. I am practically drooling over this stranger that I have never met before. And if she's a five year old, even better!"

If looks could kill the one Quil gave me would have went straight through the heart. "Sarcasm hurts Seth. Cameron is the same age as me and Embry; she is staying at Embry's place because she was in a car crash. Her best friend is dead. Feeling guilty?"

"No." Okay I was but why would I admit that. "Quil, I'm ungrounded and you're depressing me. See ya later!"

And then I left. Because Quil really is a moody git in the morning.

9 December

Day 1 on the job hunt. So far it is going swimmingly! That is, if you're swimming in a pool of shit. With a snorkel. So I head over to that one store in La Push that no-one knows the name of but everyone goes to and I'm all, "I think you should hire me." Wink.

And the guy – who looked like such a bloody ped, I don't think he should be allowed to run a store – laughs and goes, "Har, har, har, yer a funny kid! Now get out my shop, I'm sick o' all you teenagers comin' in here and takin' me for a fool!"

Yeah, shut the fuck up. But I didn't say that. He'd probably phone my mom and have me grounded for another month. She knows everyone, the big creep. Eighteen and still having to worry about my mom grounding me, aren't I cool?

So I go for a run over to Port Angeles, thinking I'll have a better chance of getting a job in there and who do I find? Alice. Because you can't go anywhere these days without running into a bloody vampire.

Insert excitable, high-pitched scream that causes you to jump a foot off the ground and go into attack mode.

"SETH! I WAS HOPING I WOULD FIND YOU HERE!"

Mhm, yeah, calm down, Alice. Normally, Alice and I get along but today I am pissed to the max at her.

"I had a vision about you," she said, smiling sweetly and acting all innocent. "You were getting a job!"

Which had me interested. "Where?"

"It wasn't a place; you were just talking to a guy in one of the more quiet streets around here..." Alice looked around and headed off so I followed her, as you do.

"That's not suspicious at all. What kind of job was it?"

Alice glared at me like I had asked how many times a week she sexed it up with Jasper. Jeez, sometimes girls were so temperamental.

"I don't know, Seth! I'm not the oracle."

But you are psychic. I bit my tongue and followed her a bit more on our round tour of Port Angeles. We turned off onto one of the more shady streets - though, I'll admit, it wasn't as bad as some of the others.

"There he is! Go talk to him! Go! Now!" Alice squealed, giving me a 'shove' in the direction of this massive (keep in mind I run with wolves, and this guy intimidates me), butch-looking guy with a buzz cut.

As soon as I get in his line of vision he narrowed his eyes and I could have sworn he licked his lips. Closest thing to a cannibal I've ever saw, anyway.

"Ehm, hi," I squeaked. Like a total I'm-thirteen-years-old-my voice-hasn't-broke-yet kind of squeak.

He grunted.

"My friend over there seems to think you are... er, looking for employees?"

His body stayed rigid as he trained his beady eyes on Alice and then back at me. Then broke into a huge smile; gave me a good look at his black teeth. Gorgeous. "She's right, kid. How old are you?"

"Eighteen."

"Any experience working in a bar?"

A bar, eh? I could see possibilities of hot girls. Hot, drunk, girls. Score.

"Never mind, you learn by doing. Kid, you're hired."

Hell ye-ah, I was thinking. And also that this was a little too good to be true and very... unofficial. So I ask him where the bar is, will I need to fill in any paperwork, blah blah.

"Paperwork? Ahahahahahahahahah..."

Five minutes later.

"-hahahahahahaaha. You slay me, kid. Paperwork, that's a good one."

I mean, thank God he stopped laughing, I really think him pissing himself in front of me, in public, would have been a bit embarrassing for me.

"I will see you, six o'clock tomorrow night."

11 December

My first day of work was actually quite bearable. Just some training, I've been told the hard stuff starts tomorrow...

So, there I am, following the directions Jerome, Jez, as his friends called him – it is beyond me why anyone would want a nickname so similar to jizz but whatever - had given me; I turn down this shady alley and what do I see? Two guys getting it on under a sign, lit up in red, which read 'The Cock Pit'. To be honest, the sign was a little graphic for my liking: two balls and a stick, and it sure as hell wasn't advertising pool. But, you know, I'm a man, I sucked it up; went up to the bar – if I wasn't a wolf I would have been more worried for my safety. It looked kinda like a crack den. But I'm not one to judge a book by its cover.

Taking a deep breath of rotten, urine-smelling air, I went inside.

It was decorated a bit too over the top; with some pictures and sculptures that left little to the imagination. There were two groups of guys crowded round different tables with a few ugly looking girls – don't judge me yet, these were first impressions! I went up to the bar and there's this mega cheery dude with his hair slicked back and his shirt tucked into tight black pants and a black waistcoat. He radiated gay. Not that I minded, you know, I'm secure with my masculinity. Totally. Anyone got a beer? Jokes, right so I go up to him and he turns round and gives me the BIGGEST grin ever. Scary shit.

"You must be Steph!" He clapped his hands together excitedly.

"Yeah, that's- I mean no, it's Seth," I smiled sheepishly.

"Oh my Lord, I am _so _sorry! Welcome to The Cock Pit, Seth!"

I mean, could they not have a nickname for it?

Not that I've heard of yet. Anyway, Marco – as he introduced himself - doesn't seem to mind it at all. But a few hours with Marco and I've started to notice that Marco does not mind anything much. I'm not sure whether that's good or bad...

12 December

It's about three in the morning and my eyes feel like someone rubbed sand in them. I stink of smoke and drink and god knows what else. I didn't sleep with anyone tonight but, Ralph, I feel violated and like the innocence has been sucked out of me. I'm highly disturbed by tonight, to say the least.

"Good evening, Sev!" Marco trilled as soon as I got in the door at six.

Sev? WTF, were my thoughts at the time. So I ask him.

"Seth, Sev, I think, is a totally _fabu_ nickname."

"You know what, Marco, I have a dog called Sev and if you start calling me that I am gonna get way too confused." Lying through my teeth but still.

Marco's jaw dropped like I had told him Gucci had a new line of male thongs. "I totally understand! Oh, before you start, here's your uniform!"

I took it. It looked okay, black and white, nothing to complain about there.

The flaws only start appearing when I'm wearing it. For a start, the black trousers are about two inches too small. The shirt is alright, but a little tight – Marco seems to think it's perfect and 'accentuates' my 'to-die-for' figure. And then we have a choice of black bow tie or black waistcoat. I put the waistcoat on and left it unbuttoned. Looking in the mirror, the whole thing was alright if I pushed my pants down a bit; I'm sure Marco won't mind looking at my boxers, honestly he's getting slightly creepy. And then he burst in the door (and I'm being serious when I say he looked disappointed when he saw me fully dressed) and handed me a name badge reading:

**S e t h e**

"Marco, my name doesn't have an e on the end?"

"It doesn't? My ex always spelled his with an e! Makes it so much prettier, you know? Never mind just now anyway, we need to open up!"

And it was all fine for a few hours. Serving drinks, being friendly, all fine by me. The only complaint is Marco and his addiction to 'gay bar'. Honest to God if he had played it one more time, I would have phased all over his ass.

Couldn't help but notice that a lot of ... strange characters were attracted to TCP – I need to have some way of referring to my work around the guys! Yeah, so there were a lot of... men who liked other men; a few men dressed as men; and a few... debatable cases. I swear I heard someone recommending the best surgeon for that kind of chop...

So there I am; it's getting late, the bar is almost empty, and in walks this... man. His face is caked in make-up, and I mean, the works. I say Leah needs to cover her ugly face sometimes but fuck, there's such a thing as painting a monster over a pigeon. I'm kidding, I made expression up. Did I mention the time?

So he's got this frilly dress on and clambers over to the bar in massive heels.

"Piña Colada," He snaps his fake-nailed fingers at me and then proceeded to drum the talons on the bar.

I'm a friendly guy but I can't be doing with rude people.

"I appreciate the word please and patience is a virtue," I muttered as I dumped the drink in front of him.

He stopped, looked up and down me, and then smiled – I think it was meant to be seductively?

"You looked like a pushover," He said in this low, throaty voice. "But you're a strong man. I'll take your advice if you take mine: don't talk to a lady like that again."

Which made me think he was absolutely deluded, if he thought he could pass as a chick.

"Yes, ma'am," I had replied, no sarcasm in my voice at all. None.

"Ahaaaa," _She _drew out this deep, smoker's laugh. Made my spine tingle. And not in a good way. Where the hell had Marco buggered off to? This… thing looked like it was about to lick me, for God's sake!

I smiled wanly, wanting her/him/it to think I was completely okay with transvestites/transsexuals/whatever-the-hell they called themselves.

"You're funny," She drawled and I really wanted to cough on her behalf because she sounded as if she had tar lining her throat and some phlegm too – yes, I wanted to puke; yes, I refrained. "What's your name?"

And as I turned around to face her again, she practically throws herself on the bar, reaching out her claws to me and takes hold of my name badge.

I wanted to scream or pull away or something. I bit my lip and stood still. Calm in the face of danger, I am.

"_Sethe_," She purred… seductively? Constipatedly? Orgasmicly? I do not know. And then she, I'm ashamed to admit it, rubbed her fingers over my nipple under the pretence of letting go of my name badge.

"Anyone for a little Gay Bar in this gay bar?" Marco hollered, prancing in from the back room _finally_, the son of a bitch. Needless to say, I counted seconds until my shift was over.

So that was my night.

I work in a gay bar.

Said gay bar is named The Cock Pit.

Do you know why it is named The Cock Pit? Because, everyone in that bar either has one or has had one at some point in their lives.

AND THEY ALL WANT TO TOUCH MINE. I KNOW IT.

They started tonight by touching my nipple through my shirt. It can only go down from there.

God help us all.

… And when I say us, I mean me.


End file.
